I had a milestone in my mommy career not so long ago.
Timing fell into place, in such a way, that for 4 months I had 3 official teenagers in my home.
My son, Trevor, turned 13 in December and my oldest daughter would not step into twenty until spring.
I do realize that a house with multiple teenagers may not be unusual to some, but for me, it was a unique moment of time and space.
After what felt like an eternity wiping noses and tying shoes, I finally had no “children” under my roof.
The humbling reality of steering 3 almost adults in the right direction made me ponder how “happy” of a home had I really provided?
Was ”home” as much their “happy place” as it had become mine?
Was it a safe-haven; a place of shelter and refuge, where they can exhale and be themselves during those tumultuous teen years?
So I did what drives my kids crazy.. I cornered them each with an awkward question.
The question being this~
considering the unique stage of each of their teen-ness, what has happened or could have been done to make their home life “happier”
We stayed basic; defining ”happy” by the book as “enjoyable, harmonious, pleasurable”
No profound, character development or deep-rooted messages; I was seeking the ingredient list for a happy home through their eyes.
Had I succeeded in providing them with somewhere they felt comfortable, enjoyed being themselves and coming home too?
I invite you to follow the links and visit my 16-year-old and my 13-year-old.
They are real cutie-pa-tooties…. each stepping into a new phase of teen-dom, each with their own challenges and obstacles to overcome.
I needed thick-skin and an open mind for some of their answers but their opinions may help you get a glimmer of what swirls around in a teen’s heart.
For this post, I have the honour of introducing you to the girl who changed everything for me.
The one who single-handedly created ’family’ in my world.
The one who made me “mom“.
My first child, Shastan.
I’m sure you’ll see what a firecracker she is and why I am so proud.
HAPPY TEENAGER CASE STUDY #3~
Nineteen Year Old Female
Of all 3 of my children, my oldest was the unhappiest growing up.
These were the circumstances that she, like many senior-teens, found rushing at her in her final year at home~
Where we live, Shastan, became a legal adult at the age of 18.
She can vote. She can live on her own.
Cell phone bills can now come in her name instead of on her mommy’s bill.
She can apply for credit cards. She can accure her own debt.
Where we live, at 18, she can purchase and drink alcohol.
Chronologically, she is all grown up.
Once she graduates high school and leaves home, her mommy doesn’t need to know anything of her personal details, if she wishes.
Baby bird has flown the proverbial nest.
Leaving school also means leaving 12 years of consistent routine.
She will be saying good-bye to schoolmates that she has known for her entire life as they chase their own rainbows.
Her home sweet home, will not be the same place anymore.
Not only will she have to clean her room, she will have to clean her entire apartment (or not clean it if she chooses)
If she wants to return to the routine of books, study and early mornings, it was up to her now.
From here on out, all her choices would be her own.
Shastan has been a go -getter and trail blazer, right from the start.
She always appeared to have it under control.
She never asked for help.
As a matter of fact, the closer you tried to get to her, the faster and more furious she would move away.
Do you know the type? Maybe I’m describing your child.
Shastan answered my pop quiz from a dug out, snuggled in a sleeping bag in
minus 30 degree temperature in army fatigues and combat boots.
She had joined the army.
She was independent kid and she was going to be all that she could be.
It was her single text answer that humbled me the most out of all the kids’ responses.
If I had realized this one thing, leaving the teen years and stepping into adulthood would have been a happier time, for my girl.
1. Surprise! They Don’t Have It All Together~
“Mom I needed help”.
Wow… My girl had become overwhelmed but she never let on.
“Mom, it would have been easier to handle it all if you would have offered.”
Mommies, daddies and those who love your almost-adult teenagers, remember this~
They have so much to deal with and since they feel that they are to be adults, they subcome to the pressure (and the lie) that they are to juggle it all without error.
Just because these kids appear to have it all under control, odds are, they may not.
My daughter needed me to insist. She wanted me to meddle.
I missed the cues.
It’s a big scary world, and these young adults are thrown into it, head-first.
They need to have the security of roots while they grow upward.
They need to know that they have arms they can fall back into , if need be.
Simple and as complicated as that.
They have waited their whole lives to play grown-up, but they’ve never done it before.
Keep your antenna’s up, mommies and daddies, it may take some trial and error to find a balance between letting them go on their own and helping them along.
My daughter’s answer made me wonder how many teens think part of the rules of the grown-up game is not asking for help.
If your adult teen, was anything like mine, hell would freeze over before they ever ask.
*Mom’s Survival Tips
for a Happy 19 Year Old*
2. I’m Sorry, I was SO Wrong~
We apologize a lot in our house. I apologized A LOT.
Remember, your oldest is your first swing at this parenting gig.
Shastan was the experimental guinea pig in a lot of uncharted territory for me.
By the time I saw her turn 18 we had a lot of water going under our relationship bridge.
Forgiveness needs to reign to have a happy relationship.
Knowing that they are forgiven gives teens a sense of value , security and courage to step out into a much less forgiving and secure world.
Also, there is no better cure for “Master of the Universe Syndrome” than asking your children to FORGIVE YOU!
Nothing brought me to my knees quicker than two little arms thrown freely around my neck, a big sloppy kiss and a chiming little voice that sang “its OK, mummy. I love you”
Forgiveness keeps us grounded, and gets our eyes back on the goal.
Which, in case we ever forget, is growing children up into amazing adults, and falling hopelessly in love with them along the way.
3. Keep the Family Roles Written in Pencil~
Our family reshaped itself constantly and had to redefine roles in the home with each significant age change.
While big brother and sista are ready to grow up, little brother or sista may have no clue that anything has changed.
Some explaining and empathy will be needed to help the youn ‘uns realize rules of play have are no longer the same.
The traditional 5 am Christmas-morning- wake -up- jump, may not go over as well as previous years with a moody, unconscious teenager in the home.
When big sister became a lofty-minded teen, my youngest children were certain that their bestest playmate and partner -in -crime had been eaten by “Oscar the Grouch”.
Keep the little kiddos hopes up.
Although they may be less than thrilled with the eminent changes growing up brings, all isn’t lost forever.
Time transforms; just like an icky worm becomes a butterfly!
With my own eyes, I watched two sisters who fought like cats for 15 years, become best friends when they both realized each other was growing up (and that each wore the same size clothing)
4. Let Them Off the Hook~
Just because they are the oldest doesn’t mean they are the one who always knows better or that when something goes wrong they are to blame.
An immediate infusion of profound maturity doesn’t magically drop from the sky as soon as they blow out that 18th birthday candle.
“You can’t put an old head on young shoulders” Grand-Papa would say.
I regret deeply not defending my oldest daughter more around the home and with her siblings.
The load of expectations put on her by yours -truly made her even more anxious to leave!
More responsibility was unfairly assumed of her during her last year at home then should have;
which sentimentally brings me to my last hind-sighted “teenage happy tip’...
5. Enjoy Watching Them Dream~
Instead of day dreaming of the colour you are going to paint your new office (aka.. their old bedroom) when they leave, enjoy the beauty of watching your teen dream.
Because they do dream! They have great big, wild, fantastical dreams!
These beautiful, vital, young people have absolutely no doubt that they are going to change the world!
To them, the future is still an adventure-land waiting to be discovered.
Don’t rain on their parade with your boring old practicality.
Let them live it for a little while.
Sadly, it will not be long before the bite of reality sobers them up.
Share their excitement.
Reassure them in their fears.
Admire this fabulously brave young person with that twinkle in their eye. (you had that same twinkle once upon a time)
Inhale some of their vitality instead of exhaling that sigh of relief that they are FINALLY LEAVING!
During the last few days and months in your home, let these young adults know that they contributed something priceless to the family and that life, as you know it, has been blessed forever because they exist.
Remember to thank them for it.
Because the truth is you HAVE BEEN BLESSED because they exist.
HELP MOMMIES AND DADDIES EVERYWHERE!
Do you have some happy ideas that worked well in your home?
Was there something special that turned the corners of a frown right side up?
What about the 13-year-old?
Their ideas of happy is completely different!
What about your 16-year-old?
Maybe YOU ARE THE 16-year-old!
Do tell!! What makes YOU HAPPY?
Share you comments below!
Every idea can make a difference!
Filed under: Happy Home Tagged: | happy, parenting, teenagers
