Raising Happy Teenagers ~ In Their Own Words

Anyone who has survived raising teenagers knows that happy teens make a MUCH HAPPIER home.

As a mom, I am all for as little quick-lipping, stomping, door slamming, OMGing, and basic eye-rolling and tune-outting, as possible.

In December 2010 a once in my lifetime phenomenon occurred.

My youngest child turned 13 and because my oldest  didn’t turn 20 until 6 months after, it dawned on me~

I, for the first time, was officially the mom of three teenagers!

Three  young people, who were all stepping out of various phases of “adolescence” and moving at the speed of light towards adulthood.

A couple days ago, when considering the general happiness level in my home, I began to ask myself what could a mommy (or daddy or grandma/ grandpa, or whomever) could do to help their child transition into new seasons of their life a little…. well… happier?

So, I sat down with each of my kiddos and decided to ask them each their opinion.

Once I got past the dazed looks, and with a little prodding, I got answers that were as varied as each child; yet similar.

 Predictable, but unexpected.

Some answers were legitimate, and others, from a parental standpoint, down right non-negotiable.

But if you ever wanted to get into your teen’s head, at least a corner of it, this 3 part series is for you.

HAPPY TEENAGERS CASE STUDY #1- 
Thirteen Year Old Male

First let us meet my Trevor, mama’s boy, the baby of the family, and the only male to be found within 2 mile of our place.

Trevor has made the first significant age jump from “tween” to teen.

Trevor is thirteen.
Trevor has also made the significant educational jump from elementary school to junior high (middle school for some) by completing grade 6 and graduating to grade 7.

As well, this year, Trevor has also grown 2 inches in 4 months and, with the move to the “big” school, it has brought a bit of inflation to his masculine pride (in mom’s opinion)

From going to elementary  to junior high, Trevor no longer has supervised lunch hours but unsupervised lunch hours.
Where he previously was in one classroom with one desk of his own, he now has locker (complete with combination lock to remember) and different classrooms to find and move to through out the day.

Mom no longer signs the daily organizer and checks for teacher’s notes to make sure everyone is communicating effectively. No more flashcards or at home reading schedules.

These “big”junior high kids go from being accommodated to sinking or swimming.
As a mom, I felt completely out of touch with Trevor’s school progress in grade 7. I began to feel very “ out of the loop” and not so sure I liked it at all.

Being promoted from Grade 6 to Grade 7 for boys, like Trevor, means trading in dodge ball for football, “secret” Valentines card once a year to “dating” (ugh…yes….) And, for the first time in six years, Trevor found himself being the freshie in the school.

When you think about it, these kids sure have alot going on, don’t they?

As if increase in academic responsibility wasn’t enough, there is a social and physical shift going on.

Many of them get their first flood of hormones at this age, and being in birds- eyes-view of some much older high school students, they now have access brand new examples to role model to follow.

So, keeping in mind this crazy new enviroment, my son has dove into, I asked him what I, as a parent, could do to make junior high happier for him.

These were his answers~

1. Nix the Nagging~

Trevor said “Mom, I know what you asked me to do, and I’ll get it done. But when you nag after me, it makes me want to not do it.”

I’m not quite sure if this is a viable suggestion, but I did try to listen to what was being said behind the message.

The translation I understood was this “Mom, I have nattering around me all day, and it drags me down. Can you find more creative effective was to motivate me?”

(By the way, if anyone has creative effective ways to motivate a teenager, we ALL would like to hear.)

2. Chose to let them Chose~

Babies in cute matching Osh Gosh days are gone, by gosh.

These kids are trying to find their OWN style. (heavy on the FIND) and as long as they are not violating any school dress code, we just need to try letting them go out the door looking like that.

Up here in frozen Canada, that also meant finding some sort of happy ground wearing sneakers instead of snow boots, mitts and toques stuffed in the backpack instead of on the hands and heads, and the complete removal of snow pants from the wardrobe.

I learned to pray every time anyone left the house that no important body part would freeze and fall off before they made the connection that being cold and looking cool, isn’t as important as once thought.

3. Keep Teasing to a Minimum~

Odds are they may not be as enthusiastically confident about all the changes around (and in them), as we who have already traveled that road.
This point turned out to be a big time issue in our fam.
Especially for the solitary boy in the all female family.

As cute as the arrival of the very first armpit hair was, it appears that posting it as a Facebook status wasn’t seen as “cute” by the hair bearer himself.

Moral of the story~ If you have to say “JK”, it probably shouldn’t be said.

4. Stop Trying to Help~

Trevor answered “When I ask for help, I need it and not before.”

I interpreted this as the “I’m all grown-up now, and I can do this on my own” argument and I could probably insert a “mommy bird kicking baby bird out of the nest to learn how to fly” picture but I’m sure you get the idea.

They have something to prove. They don’t want our help. They want to do it alone. But when they DO want our help we had better be there ASAP.

(I just haven’t decided if this is a development in all young adults, or only the male species)

5. Tired Kids make Happy Kids~

This could very well fall into the “non-negotiable” arena.

But “After all, only little children go to bed at 8:30, mom”

Bedtime extension.
Yes, I can hear every logical bone in your body say that only one year’s time does not justify staying up several hours later.
Growing healthy boys need sleep.

And perhaps, several hours later may be extreme. But in our house, we did jump from 8:30 to a 10:30ish bedtime and it seems to work.

Does this have anything to do with the need to conquer?  To control their own destiny?
Is being able to pull “all-nighters” on the weekends with the friends and the PlayStation, some sort of rites of passage?

I don’t pretend to understand.
At my age, I look for every opportunity that I can get to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

But to a thirteen year old, this seemed an issue.
So I bent. Yes, even on school nights.

As long as schoolwork or attitude didn’t suffer, I let him begin to listen to his own body clock.

My experience has been that if they are wrecked from a few days of little sleep, they soon connect the dots and adjust themselves.
Tonight, after football practice, he put himself to bed at 9:30.

6. I am What I Eat~

Perhaps, we could file this with point #5 and point #2 and maybe even point #1 but I just wrote em as he said em.

They see the transition to a “high” school as evidence that they are maturing and should have more input into their world.

More decisions, more say, more personal responsibility in choices.

Apparently, if I am following that logic correctly, taking a Pop Tart instead of a sandwich to school for lunch would make him happy; if that was the choice he made.

This was the hard one for me to wrestle with!
It took everything in me to unclench my fingers from the salad crisper and listen to his request

The Natural Food Coach in me was convinced that somehow he was switched at birth.
How could my child not want the recommended 7-10 servings of fruits and vegetables with him at his fingertips through out the day!?!

This request might take a bit of negotiating for you to find an acceptable middle ground.

On the flip side, however, you don’t really want to pack a lunch (and waste your time and money) that is just going directly into the trash bin or traded for Twinkies behind your back.

They are not tiny children anymore; let them pack their own lunch.

Remember, you still have control over what you buy for them choose from when they are packing it.

On a victorious note, I have noticed that when Trevor makes his own lunch, he does pretty well.

If you develop in children a taste for healthy food when they are young, set the example and teach them “why”, they do remember.

If their “healthy diet recall” is a bit too slow for your comfort, take heart, not long after the first serious acne break out, they will come looking for help, and you will have a golden opportunity to refresh their memory.

7. I’m the Man and Its My Job~

Tools make my teenage boy happy.

Being in a home of entirely helpless females, all of which he is now taller, my young man loves to “step up to the plate” and fix and do.

This means that mom has had to step aside.
Even if he really had no idea what he’s doing.
Its how we learn.

Teenage boys love to flex their testosterone.

So if you have a picture to hang, heavy boxes to move, screw to remove, too tight jar lids… he’s your man and he will be happy to show you.

After much swaying and begging, my teen-man is has become the one that puts the battery charger on the dead car, these brutal winter mornings.
We haven’t had any battery fatalities, yet.

“Red goes on the positive, red is life. Black is negative, black is bad, mom”

Why couldn’t little ole blonde girl me, remember that?

8. Hear Me, Mom~

This was the last comment my 13 year old boy said when I asked him what I, as a parent, could do to help his world be happier.

These pre-teens and teenagers are observing and thinking.
They are trying to get their head around becoming an adult because they know its coming for them.

They are bombarded with changes and challenges.
Listen to them.
We were there once too, longer for some than others.

Give them a safe-zone to express their thoughts, and the grace to listen to the message behind the words.

That’s what I did with all 3 of my teenagers in this series.

I want to know what makes them tick.
What makes them smile?

How can I, as a caregiver, help them squeeze as much genuine happy out of their moments as possible?

They all did an excellent job expressing their thoughts.

I hope I did an excellent job listening.

I hope you continue to follow, because I have 2 more teens for you to meet;

The sweet sixteen and the wild nineteen year old high school graduate.

9 *BONUS TIP FROM MOM*

You don’t recognize their voice on the phone and, unlike you, they get excited about the black hair on their lip.

A lot of these sudden changes have bewitched these young men into believing they are all grown up and never will need you again but, remember, that is complete nonsense.

Inside those big strapping middle school guys is still a wide-eyed sixth grader.

They may tease you about kissing them goodbye on the cheek, but they will still look for it.
Even better, on those nights when they stayed up too late, and now can’t settle in…
They will still call on you to tuck them in and stay for a while.

They’ll just never admit it to anyone else!

You would be one smart cookie if you didn’t advertise it much either…mums the word

I’m quite sure this is not an exhaustive list of every help a young teenager needs,
to make life at home happier (for them AND for you)

Do you have ideas and suggestions that worked for your family?

Hit the COMMENT button below,
and SHARE with us!

I know I need every suggestion  that I can get!

READ MORE >>>

What about those teen-age girls?

Read what makes the Sweet-Sixteen happy here

The Nineteen year old shares her thoughts here